Observing myself aging

I haven’t given up on writing, but it seems like months have gone by and I haven’t posted anything.

Not.

One.

Thing.

This instantly makes me wonder if dementia is kicking in, I mean I AM getting older. It’s just the way things go. We all keep getting older. I just turned seventy-three, and even though (on the inside) I feel much younger, that actual number, 73, is screaming at me, warning me it’s getting close to the end.

I wonder why on earth am I thinking this way. When did it start to wear on me, and why on earth am I thinking about it so much? Maybe that is why I think I am experiencing early signs of dementia. Or maybe, perhaps, it started when my daughter found out she had colon cancer.

It doesn't matter which daughter. I am scared, but everyone else is too. We are all awaiting her to be declared cancer-free. I see that happening, but this was so unexpected. I guess I don’t know exactly what to think or how to react. I AM getting older. I don’t know how to handle things anymore except to shut down.

What is good is I realize I don’t have to criticize anyone. I have learned that one. Perhaps it started a few months before this when I began to wonder what I had going for me. I have to admit, it seems very selfish to focus on this, but instead of focusing on all that I have done and what I accomplished, I haven’t been focusing on this, Rather, I am finding myself feeling depressed. Perhaps I am depressed, as well as not being motivated to write. I decided I must come back to writing, that that is what I love doing and I can get better.

I will get better.

But right now, I am writing whatever comes to mind. I don’t know- should I aim to attract more followers or get on more podcasts? All of this becomes, for me at least, a vicious cycle of worrying and giving up. I should be like my dearest friend, BJ, and just relax and let it happen. BJ will read this and she’ll get it. I know she will.

As we get older, and as an aside, I am nine or ten years older than she is, so it is interesting to talk about. Maybe it’s because it feels like I AM getting older and facing the end. But where is the “end”? Is it now, tomorrow, in a few months or is it in twenty years? And how fast does 20 years go? Seems like it is speeding up, not going slower. Time is an illusion in many ways.

I went to two events for my book. I took this poster with me

So this is what it looks like.

And I brought it with me to the first event, which was in Asheville, in late September. It was called the Punchbucket Literary Festival, and the second one was in Louisville, Kentucky and was the Louisville Book Festival. It was there that I met a guy who was selling his fantasy book. Sold 20 copies of his book. Me? I sold 5.

It made me wonder what I am doing wrong, with my book. Why isn’t it getting more attention like the other authors at Vine Leaves Press? I thought it was interestingly written. If you haven’t read it, please buy a copy and tell your friends to order it.

I really don’t know what else to say. I am figuring this out as I go along. Hit reply and tell me what you think. Is it the same for you or not at all. Some of those in my world seem to be scratching their heads wondering what’s in store. Especially with everything changing every day.

That’s how I feel.